been there done that

i’ve been there. yes there!!!

give a guess where is it?

bewildered? i think i am

yes bewildered. it means confused. i am very confused now. i dont know what had happened, but for sure i know things are moving around without me have any saying. things decided without any consideration what i feel about it.

heck. i dont give a damn. i have my own life too. and i can snap my finger to move on. yes i have this attitude, but only towards whose who didnt appreciate me. to those who didnt value me as much as my siblings and best friends loves me.

do you know how much you mean to me? if you see your name or picture or hints anywhere in this diary, that means you are always in my heart. simple said.

i have a brain of a fish now. don’t bother.

the evolution

do you want to know how much i evolve in 2 weeks?

this is 2 days old

and how it grows in 2 weeks.

p/s: just completed sending MOM for a meeting i chaired last noon. its 2 am in the morning. how loser can you be?

You can call this; the supposed next update ye pikya

yes. i didn’t put anything after last post. not because dhaka international airport doesn’t have internet connection, but its too chaotic to update anything during ongoing transit here. the airport is relatively smaller in scale and passenger number compare to jb, but that’s it. no 1 airport in bangladesh. there’s a lot of mind memory snaps i got in dhaka, and one of them are people here ask for tips everywhere.

i’m on my way back home from  the most memorable trip i ever had. will write about medinah and mecca later. but to summarize, our people is the most cultured and polite of all. talk about driving, queing, eating and talking, we do it nicely all time. this morning at jeddah hajj terminal, iranian fight-fisting over each other because they didn’t know how to que in lines. the flock over an immigration counter and, cut ques and yelling at else. it is not bad-mouth if i call them barbarian, but where else you can see one being punch in the face by their own kind in another countries. it quite a tense moment. luckily our group manage to escape through the immigration line and being protected by the armies.

this trip indeed full of sweet and sour, peace and havoc, but to be honest i never feel this bless and syukur towards Him in this life. it has taught me well, and make me feel small in this world. no word can describe it better. till later.

from dhaka

First login in

Since i first get this cell, this is the inaugural post that came out. I purchase this cell as it has wordpress aps that could ease me writing something while waiting for boarding at departure hall. And yeah, i will log all my trips after this. Btw, for this trip itself, we was greeted by 3durians from some kedah makcik on our flight to jeddah. And the funniest thing is, we will transit at dhaka for onr whole day. Tak bole bawak durian makcik oi. I dont blame her, as this might be her first experience, but the loud tour guide should be able to smell it first before the security caught it. Stupid guy. Anyway we are looking for a fantastic journey. Time to board. See you in 215 minutes. Salam.

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you choose what you like to do

i’m a complainer. i know i’m picky and always hard to please. i have a really bad traits that i will not do things that i’m not fond to and tend to be rebellious against it. but sometime we just dont have the right to choose. as if all the rights to decide had to bow down to the needs and reality. i hate that!

being away on a 5 meters waves and 35 knots winds is not easy. sleep in a cradle every time always bring nightmares. uneven floors and tiny room make me restless. and to top that, cracking my head everyday to catch with work is killing. i didnt chose this to be my life, but the fact is, i did chose this. i hate that!

i just realize that i am too small to choose, to fragile to change. i dont know. i need to change but i just afraid of the uncertainty and risks. i will keep complaining and bustling my head over this, until someday i am really tired and ready to change. and i miss a lot of things back home!

we were touched

it was raining. not cat and dogs, but mass enough to gravy the dusty roads and alleys. in that cold weather, we choose to stay inside. warm, but cold with air-conditioning in our comfortable blankets and rooms. everyone refused to move, and apparently after an hour afternoon nap, we began to crawl, lazily.

i first step out from the glass door, where a nice looking gentleman loyally manned it. he greeted me, and asked me where are we heading to in that after-rain weather. i just smiled, and shook my shoulder giving a sign we are unsure where is our destination. its not that i declined to properly start a conversation with him, but in my head, i was busy asking myself; did we really want to dirty our slippers and thigh to start our trip this time?

“om, payung?”

i turned. 2 small little girl was there, smiling and showing the utmost sincere and pity faces, asking me to borrow their umbrella. i smiled back.

“berapa?”

i shouted a bit. they were standing by the hotel small garden in that mist after-rain. upon hearing my voice, they carefully run towards me. they eye’s were full of fear, looking at the bellman, who will kick them off when they step into the car lobby. i shook my head at the bellman and waived at them, saying that it’s ok to come to me. this time, they run to me, eagerly.

“berapa aja om”

the children were small, smaller than my little sister. one is 10, while the other is no bigger than 8. both looks messy, with smudge on their face. the hair was never been properly wash, and they run around in their God slippers. looking at them, it touches my spot, deep in my heart. but i restrain from showing it off.

“ok. kamu tggu aja disini. sebentar lagi. aku mahu masuk”

we turned back at each other, i’m looking for MFY, and they rewind back to the spot under the rain. then when we came out, they handed me the 2 umbrellas. the thousands note changed hands, not that much but it will make them happy, at least. and they promise to wait at the lobby to return the umbrella. then they disappear, in the rain and its people.

we walked pass the hotel gate. the rain doesn’t stop its people from roaming around. most of them are soaked and dirty. none look better than us. drains, dirts and rubbish is not a matter. we are the only one that jumped left and right, avoiding the patches on the road. they, just run through it like its a pure water springs.

from afar, the 2 girls, hiding behind a huge pillar, catch my glimpse. when they noticed me looking at them, they run away, to the hiding. maybe they too, have a pride. i know that they are admiring us all. but they are too shy to ask and dont want us to look down on them. we continue our walk, passing a mall.

“om, kami ikut aja.”

a small voice appears from our  back. the 2 girls were trailing us. from the start, from afar. i didnt know that. i would be happy to walk them around in their umbrella if i knew they wanted to follow us. F, being a phedo-sweet-talker, start a conversation with them. he asked them, and they cheerfully answer. he handed them my last pieces of Halls, some balance from my offshore trip. they received it, and smiling their teeth out. seems like the sweets was a very precious present they ever received, and i can see how happy they are when opening the wraps.

we enter the shopping mall, and that is where they stop. the stairs of that mall is like a sacred place for them, where they can’t simply enter. they just stood there, on the street, fear of stepping into the door. the people inside the door look at them with sharp eyes, smirking at them not to enter.

“om, kami pegang aja payung ini. nunggu disini aja”

we handed over the umbrella, and left them there. i wish they didnt wait and go, as we didnt know when we will be returning.

plus 2 hours, we come out through the same door. the kids was nowhere to be seen. the rain had stopped, and they sky were clearer. but the roads had turned into a swamp full with trashes. we walk fast to return back to our hotel.

the roads were busier than 2 clocks ago. cars and motorcycles were crossing each other. and in the middle of the road leading to a parking lot of that mall, we spotted a small body. dresses in pink, the kid was sleeping deeply. using her slipper as pillow, she slept under the gate bar, right in the middle of the road. the divider was big enough for her to fall over if she turn to the side. we stood there and looked at each other. how on earth that tiny little human can sleep, not even with a mattress. dont imagine about a room, she’s lucky if she has a house.  lots of thoughts played in our head. M was looking at me, and F was busy with his hand gesture. Y? smiling, like he always do

blur and unknowing what should we do, we patch our steps back to the hotel.

we did learned. learned how to appreciate what we have. learn how hard this life could be some other human being. that kids has no different from us. the same god created beings. but why did they are so unfortunate, whilst some can eat ice-creams that can cost a family a month meals. we did feel obligated to give, and share what we have. at least we are still humble and small, feel touched and close to heart when seeing things like this.

F said, this trip, his soft-spot was touched the most. and Y, dont regret travelling with us! the second part will be soon narrated!

congrats on your i do!

im going to start back. my biggest apologies for taking some time away.

anyway, for the past few month, some of my brother and sister had tied their knots, to the soul of their life.

lets start with Nadia & Yoi (18 Dec 2010). Despite my tight schedule, I took a vow to myself that I will attend their weddings. I don’t keep grudge to Nadia even though this is their second wedding. At least, this time its real. They both look cute, and short. Wakaka.

The next day, it’s Maini & Liyana (19 Dec 2010). The one that I most anticipated, and must attend. For 5 years, we had been roommate, and to see that now he had ditch me to have a new roommate, it hurts like hell (hahaha  did I sound soo attached!). Takde la, I am happy for both of you dear. You had gone through a lot in your relationship, and being together is the biggest prize of all. Liyana, do take a good care of him, and so do you Jot!

Its been a while since we last gathered. This time, we completed the corum again. No one had really changed. But status wise, hurmm.. XD

Then on , its Uyun & Epul. Uyun is a dear friend of mine and Fareez, whom I got to know well because of her since I still in Bangi. She is a frequent visitor to Jade, and once you could enter Jade uninvited, means attending your wedding is my responsibility already.

This one, Ben & Fida. is the most happening one. Again, wedding reception was always a gathering. I couldn’t really remember when we last sit around, talk and laugh together. But this time we did it again. Drive all the way from KL to Ulu Tiram in a car, laugh, sentap, and cry all the way. Since Ben had tied himself, so one down. Whose next?

Anyway, weddings is an event full of joy, happiness and bless. Congratulation to all who had took a big step in your life. I always pray for your happiness and rahmat until the end of your life. For me, dont ask! I still dont know when. Life ahead if still foggy and uncertain 😀

im back

dear my fan club,

i know some of you are screwing up your life since you cant read anymore from this stupid blog. wait for for me, a bit more. i’ll be back soon.

nirzan

pause kejap

a lot of people recently asking, why do i stop blogging?

simple answer, some part of my life had been teared off so i don’t have any motivation to write anymore. i am becoming bolder day and day. less feeling cheezy mezzy dada make me stronger.

until i can pick up pieces of myself  and puzzle it back, i’ll take some rest from this loveable diary of mine.

nazrinzaini