the evening that made me hopeless

friday. endless day. day to submit progress. hours of writing reports, theory, calculations, it pays when you can submit the outcome. and it was submitted that friday evening.

that evening, i went to see dr rasyid; one of my top admire, my lecturer, my tutor, my personal counselor, and my dad. weekly conversation with him is a must since i was caught into his legacy after subscribing him as my final year project supervisor. the talk went as usual.i ask him. he answer me. he ask me. i answer him. we talk from project’s progres to the seminar to updates to the next planned task to be done until we’ve come to this conversation which i wish i could not having it with him.

i always ask people about their experience. i did it to everyone and i love doing it. i am asking dr rashid about his experience doing master n phd, i told him i want to do that also. the very first thing he ask me made me speecless and feeling like the earth is going to suck me down.

“ape cgpa u sekarang?”

“3.**..” i reply him

“kalo cmtu susah sket la” (this simple phrase totally made me hopeless)

i paused and i ask him why he did told me that. he said, your cgpa is not that strong if you realy want to continue to master after graduating. if i were to do master in research, the basic knowledge that currently have is not enough, as what he was saying. utp student, as per say is not competitive enough to suddenly jumpe into research world after they graduate. he compares me to state’s student, which he say is much stronger in in communication, maturity, access, links and knowledge. utp student was always pampered, spoon feed and in their comfort live since foundation. they just go to class and went back. get assignments and submit. did the lab, submit the report. they we doing what they have been told to do without having any intention to get more. they are not independent, and if they want to try to be independent, they will not succeed and stumble on their own feet.

that words of his really made me dissapointed, hopeless and feels empty. he say “you were just here to get your degree without knowing what are the things really happenning outside, because you only live in your own lawn with your friend, not with poeple in the world. its like your fate was setting up here, and you dont realise to change it.. that’s the fact. i admit it with crying heart. i just realise how small i am. i know it is not his intention to let me down, but somehow he is telling the truth of my journey ahead. he is not blamming utp for producing people like me, but that’s the reality of a new establish university, can’t compare and compete with thousand years old university in the west.

conclusion: do master in thought course, don’t take research class.

that evening makes me wake up. to start a new life. hopefully. and it was raining extremely heavily as i walked down to my room. maybe the day understand.

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